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Resolute (7)

31 Tuesday Dec 2024

Posted by in A Few Thoughts, Novelettes/Novellas, Novels, Poetry, Series, Short Stories, Thorns, Writing

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I think I’ve figured out that I just don’t like birthdays and the end of the year for the same reason. I don’t like looking back and feeling like I’m not where I want to be, nor do I like looking forward and not seeing much better there either. Although I have reverse SAD rather than regular SAD, I am a little affected by the extra darkness, especially when we’ve had gloomy weather, too. Maybe less light makes me less optimistic in general. Of course, there are other reasons why I feel like I’m holding my breath when I look ahead. Not going to go into it. I’m doing my best to cope, although my best still isn’t great.

(CW for this paragraph: Weight issues) I feel like, although I’ve been able to get back into movement and exercise, which is good, I’m in a losing war with my weight. I had to do insane amounts of high-resistance elliptical to even make a dent before, but prior to the leg injury in 2023, weight was already starting to creep back up. Since college, I’ve gained and lost significant amounts of weight four times, and this most recent weight gain is fifth. My brain is tired of self-denial and categorically refuses to give up certain things when it’s already given up so much; plus, FOMO when I worry that certain things aren’t going to be available to the same degree in the future. And I am tired of being at constant odds with my body. Before the injury, I feel like my body and I had reached a kind of detente, because I could say that at least I was strong and my blood tests said I was healthy. Detente ended around this time last year when I had gained back all the weight from not being able to exercise. It’s been a long struggle, frustrating because you can never just go back to the way you were eating before. You always have to give up more and more and more, and the goalposts of what you can achieve always move.

However, this time last year, I was still injured and healing, still limping, still in pain. Today, I’m walking mostly normal, if a little chaotically when I’m stiff. Still a slight limp sometimes, but no more pain. The main injury has (perhaps irreparably) weakened the leg, though, so I can’t up the resistance on the elliptical without causing strain in the compensating muscles. Even so, walking without pain and able to do cardio and play a full-movement game like pickle ball (which I started with neighbors this year) are all improvements.

My writing sabbatical was only supposed to last one year, but inability to find a new job made it last another. Election Day took some serious wind out of my ability to write, so I had to scrap a few end-of-year plans, and the stress of not finding a job at the beginning of the year surely contributed to my issues with writing what eventually became Tooth & Claw (Meridian Book 7). Naive little me really thought that, because I knew I was capable, I would be able to find a job in a few months, and it’s tremendously humbling and somewhat humiliating to not be able to. In the new year, I’ll probably have to join the gig economy, but I really need money flowing in, and after twenty years in the writing business, it’s still really not coming from that quarter.

In 2024, I made a little more than half what I made writing in 2023. It was a three-figure year. Some of that isn’t on me. The indie horror scene contracted significantly, thanks to billionaires behaving badly: Amazon removed its zine subscription service, which killed all but the biggest zines that were able to cobble together subscriptions in other ways; Musk bought and tanked Twitter; and gen AI overwhelmed submission calls (and their slush readers) with unsolicited slop. (I imagine the banning of TikTok will also have a significant market effect, because BookTok was a big viral push for word-of-mouth marketing, but I don’t hang out there personally.) There were also generally fewer calls from shuttering indie presses. Too many hungry writers (layoffs and post-lockdown changes likely played a role), and not enough well-paid opportunities. Like the job market in general. The indie horror boom is probably over, for now.

Some of it was on me, though, because I focused on writing long-form this year rather than producing new short-form stories, including writing for specific calls. Variety is good for me, so that wasn’t really my fault so much as a consequence of my 2024 plan. However, I did publish the following short stories:

“Hell Come Home,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction 2nd place winner, Crystal Lake Entertainment, February 9, 2024
“Full,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction 2nd place winner, Crystal Lake Entertainment, March 19, 2024
“Indigestion,” The Last Girls Club Spring Equinox 2024 issue, March 21, 2024
“Graphite,” The Pleasure in Pain: A Queer Horrotica Anthology, Dragon’s Roost Press, March 31, 2024
“Eye Spy,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction finalist, Crystal Lake Entertainment, April 13, 2024
“The Glitter of Bile,” Cosmic Horror Monthly Issue 47, May 1, 2024
“Second Chance,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction finalist, Crystal Lake Entertainment, May 12, 2024
“Snot,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction 3rd place winner, Crystal Lake Entertainment, July 22, 2024 (as “Sea Snot”)
“Predatory,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction finalist, Crystal Lake Entertainment, August 22, 2024
“Nuisance Notifications,” Found 2: More Stories of Found Footage Horror, edited by Gabino Iglesias and Andrew Cull, October 25, 2024
“Six,” Screams, edited by Judith Sonnet, December 1, 2024
“Hell Come Home,” Hotel Macabre, Vol. 1, Crystal Lake Entertainment, December 13, 2024

I would say that “Hell Come Home” is probably my best received short story this year, although “Graphite” and “Six” also got some attention.

I also sold some great poetry this year:

“Cleanse,” Querencia Press Winter 2024 issue, January 31, 2024
“All of Us Witches,” Small Wonders Magazine Issue 12, June 19, 2024
“Vernal,” Renascentum: Crow Calls Volume VI, July 15, 2024
“Keeping Secrets,” Breath & Shadow Volume 21, Issue 2, December 13, 2024

“All of Us Witches” is probably the best received, and I was really happy that it found a place. For the volume submitted, poetry is probably the hardest to sell.

In addition, the following novels came out in 2024:

Strange & Familiar, Meridian Book 3, Totally Bound Publishing, January 16, 2024 (as Aurelia T. Evans)
Question Not My Salt, Crystal Lake Entertainment, February 16, 2024
Crooked House, Thorns Book 5, self-published, September 7, 2024
Avarice & Creed, Meridian Book 4, Totally Bound Publishing, October 1, 2024 (as Aurelia T. Evans)

Question Not My Salt was my first traditionally published novel under this name, and it’s been more reviewed than anything else I’ve done. Despite the fact that it’s extreme horror (mild for extreme, but extreme for regular horror), it’s also been mostly well reviewed; it seems like people have had gross fun with it.

Crooked House was the soft ending for Thorns, in that, if I died without putting out another book, the series would end with a satisfying resolution. Thorns has been an amazing series for me, allows me to go to the dark places and do the kinds of stories I’ve always wanted to do, and to play around within the fairy tale sandbox. I had planned to resume the Thorns series in 2025, but that will depend on my ability to, you know, write. Even so, I’m looking forward to the Thorns still to come.

Strange & Familiar and Avarice & Creed brought my gothic urban fantasy series Meridian to its halfway point. There’s something about my green-colored books under my Aurelia T. Evans name. Avarice & Creed, Skeletons, Cry Wolf… They’re kind of my low-key favorites, although my red-colored books (Fortune, Ringmaster, Strange & Familiar) are more obviously so.

I’m not going to do an analysis of my short-form acceptance rate this year, because when I checked in July, acceptance rate was about 1-2%, compared to 7-8% in 2023, and it didn’t really improve through the rest of the year. You can hope for improvement, but you can’t really set goals to be published more, because you actually have no control on the traditional publication side of things, only in what you finish. But like I said earlier, I also mostly worked on long-form, which is often a lot of work for less likely reward, and the whole process from creation to publication (if it even happens) takes such a long time—the very definition of working on spec.

This year, I wrote 14 short stories, and of course, I wrote a ton of poetry until November, when I had no more poetry left in me, and that still hasn’t come back. I may return to flash poetry in January 2025 to test those waters.

I also finished the following long-form stories/collections:

Tooth & Claw, Meridian Book 7, erotic gothic urban fantasy novel (possibly end of series)
May Cooler Heads Prevail, supernatural novella
A Nightmare for All Seasons, seasonal horror poetry collection
Masque, gothic alt-history novel
The Damp, gothic horror novella
The Dracula reimagining, found-footage/modern epistolary horror novel

(I’m not being coy by not sharing the DRI title. It’s just a bit spoilery about the concept, so I don’t want to share it until it’s going to be published, traditionally or on my own.)

Writing Masque and the Dracula reimagining were serious bucket-list novels, things I had played with the idea of for over a decade, so the fact I wrote them because I was finally ready, and I like what came out, is really an achievement. I really wanted to write one more long thing this year, like I said, but that ended up a bust. I edited a good number of my long-form pieces, though. Some of them are on sub; some are waiting for the right call.

For now, I have plenty of things to edit before I absolutely need to attempt writing something new in 2025. In January, my primary goal is to finish the edits of Masque and the Dracula reimagining. As soon as that’s done, I’ll self-publish my seasonal horror poetry collection, A Nightmare for All Seasons, to which I’m adding a new season: the last, with my short collection Lullabies for an Apocalypse. Then I’ll edit Tattered & Torn (Meridian Book 6) and probably fix and proof May Cooler Heads Prevail for self-publishing.

At that point, I have a number of things I can do, depending on ability and finances. There’s more edits, there’s short-form writing, there’s shorter long-form, and there are any number of sequels to tackle (for Thorns, UA, possibly Meridian), not to mention the rewrite of War House that I keep putting off. I have a general schedule set, but it’s flexible, as always. I could also do other creative endeavors, like drawing, piano, or cross-stitch.

All of this presuming that things don’t blow up as much as I’m worried they will. I’m bracing for impact; just because I can’t sustain paralyzing fear indefinitely doesn’t mean the fear isn’t there, and bad. Hope is certainly in short supply.

Resolute (6)

01 Monday Jan 2024

Posted by in A Few Thoughts, Novelettes/Novellas, Novels, Poetry, Series, Short Stories, Thorns, Writing

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TL;DR: It was a pretty good year, but I’m sad anyway.

Looking back at other Resolute posts, I’ve determined that, like birthdays, new years are not good for me. I assign too much significance to the passing of the guard, to what the transitions portend, when they portend nothing.

If I saw a cockroach in the tub, it’s an unpleasant surprise, but it’s not a harbinger of infestations to come. If I missed a writing deadline by thirty minutes because I didn’t check the time zone, that’s unfortunate and eminently disappointing, but it’s not a prophecy of missed deadlines and dropping sub call balls to come. I know this intellectually, but emotionally, these transitions weigh heavy on my already heavy frame.

Last year’s Resolute had me hopeless because I was quitting a job that had become problematic for me (loved my coworkers, but the job itself was hurting me). This year, I’m at the end of a writing sabbatical, which was a much more peaceful year, and I’m the same kind of hopeless, which suggests my own personal form of holiday blues, because it was a nice year. I could work for myself, work my way, work my time, in a way that was most effective for me. I worked almost seven days a week, achieving goal word counts in bursts of ideal productivity times throughout the day, and that was good for me. I could carry my work with me, which meant that I could join my parents in visiting my brother, sister-in-law, my now three-year-old niece, and my now six-month-old nephew, who arrived summer of this year. My niblings very much bring me back to my brother and me when we were young, and it’s delightful to watch them grow up and anticipate what they’ll become. I had a lot more flexibility to travel and spend more time with family at our home and theirs. Also, because of the leg injury in June that left me considerably unhealthier than the beginning of the year, I had even more time and flexibility on my hands than usual.

I got a lot done, but I can’t say that the financial income has matched the output, which was disappointing. I’ve been doing this for years now, and I understand that most writing work is done on spec, and as a result, income is unpredictable and gains can come years later or not at all. Long works, in particular, take time to write, to edit, to query, and to publish, and then it’s still no guarantee. However, I went from spotty part-time writing to intensive full-time writing, and though last year I made just over $1000, this year I only made just over $1200, and in neither case did I make a profit, due to self-publishing costs.

I share the financial information because people tend to have a distorted idea of what writers make. By output, I’m doing wonderfully. By publishing, I’m emerging. By income, I’ve yet to escape the red since I started self-publishing back in…2014? This may change, with a greater push toward traditional publishing in the years to come, but there’s no guarantee.

A while back, discouraged, I asked myself whether, if I never made another cent, I’d stop writing. The answer is no. I do this because it’s what my brain was made for. I’ve been telling myself stories since childhood, and I sleep much better when I let the stories out. Without traditional publication, I’ll still self-publish as financially able, because I enjoy it.

I can’t support myself with my writing at this juncture, though, which means I have to forage for productive writing hours when I can while renting out my body, mind, and time to someone else once more, because I’ve exhausted the extra savings that I was extremely privileged to have. I’d hoped that writing income would mitigate some of that, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and I had to pay my medical expenses out of pocket.

I don’t know what the new year will bring, but once I finish the next Meridian novel, I’ll venture out into the unknown, and I historically don’t like not knowing what’s around the corner. It unsettles me, steals the foundation from under my feet, and I tend not to believe in my competence, even though I objectively know that I’m an intelligent and capable person. I guess we’ll just have to see what the new year brings in that respect.

As for the old year, I have stats. Collecting stats is like counting change when I was a kid. It’s satisfying.

Because of the writing sabbatical, it was a big year for me in terms of production and publication. I’d planned for more long-form writing, and I did do some good long-form, but I ended up working more on short-form than anticipated.

I wrote 55 short stories ranging from microfiction to novelette and so averaging at roughly short-story size (I’m counting one I started yesterday and plan to finish today or tomorrow). I wrote three Meridian novels for my other name and three standalone novels: Question Not My Salt (extreme horror), A Woman Alone (erotic horror), and In the Dollhouse We All Wait (extreme horror). I compiled the Bathroom Omens short story/poetry collection, most of which was written specifically for the collection rather than other publications. I also wrote poetry almost every day, some of which has been compiled into the full collection Dead Ends and the chapbook What Witchcraft We Wrought, which I might expand into a full collection.

In the publication arena, as of the end of the year, I sent out a total of 208 submissions (long and short). I received 170 rejections and 26 acceptances (7 unpaid, 4 at pro-rate). There are 28 still on sub waiting for a response. Based on my previous stats and those of other writers who share theirs, 10% acceptance rate isn’t unusual or bad at all. I got really close on some publications, with stories on the short lists and even final rounds. By that point, it’s usually a matter of curation rather than quality, which is why you can’t take rejection personally. Sometimes I get down about a rejection, but I usually just give myself thirty minutes to be upset and send out the rejected piece or another piece to make myself feel better.

Published Novels/Collections:

Dead Ends: A Dark Poetry Collection
Fever & Fray (Meridian Book 2) (other name)
Out of Curiosity and Hunger
Puppeteer (Thorns 4)

Published Poetry:

“Desire,” The Vampiricon, Mind’s Eye Publications, January 31, 2023
“Sacristy,” Crow Calls: Volume 5, Quill & Crow Publishing House, February 14, 2023
“Comorbid,” Crow Calls: Volume 5, Quill & Crow Publishing House, February 14, 2023
“Displaced,” Dear Human at the Edge of Time, Paloma Press, September 27, 2023
“A Woman Possessed,” Under Her Eye: A Women in Horror Poetry Showcase, Black Spot Press, November 7, 2023

Published Short Stories:

“The Warmth of Many Skins,” Bleak Midwinter: Solstice Light, Quill & Crow Publishing House, January 17, 2023
“Courtship,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, February 2023 issue
“Dissolution,” Ooze, Ruth Anna Evans, March 1, 2023
“Blood Mother,” The Sacrament, DarkLit Press, March 2, 2023
“The Cut,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction 1st place winner, Crystal Lake Publishing, March 30, 2023
“Blackberry Wine,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, April 2023 issue
“Show Me,” Bound in Flesh, Ghoulish Books, April 18, 2023
“Eat His Heart,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, June 2023 issues
“The Thing That Crawls,” Unspeakable Horror 3: Dark Rainbow Rising, Crystal Lake Publishing, June 30, 2023
“A Bladder Full,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction 3rd place winner, Crystal Lake Publishing, July 5, 2023
“Drip,” That Old House: The Bathroom, Voices of the Mausoleum, July 28, 2023
“Birth,” Deadly Drabble Tuesdays, Hungry Shadows Press, August 1, 2023
“A Bug in the Design,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction finalist, Crystal Lake Publishing, August 17, 2023
“The Cut,” Shallow Waters Vol. 9: A Flash Fiction Anthology, Crystal Lake Publishing, August 17, 2023 (reprint)
“The Plank in Thine Own,” The Devil Take You, Sentinel Creatives, August 21, 2023
“Of the Many Faces,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, September 1, 2023
“The Cut,” Shallow Waters: Horror Flash Fiction Anthology, Crystal Lake Publishing, September 29, 2023 (reprint, paperback)
“The Last Ride of Sutton Purnell,” Flame Tree Fiction, October 4, 2023
“Sight Unseen,” Novus Monstrum, Dragon’s Roost Press, October 6, 2023
“Arms Race,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction finalist, Crystal Lake Publishing, October 11, 2023
“Caregiver,” The Book of Queer Saints Volume II, Medusa Publishing Haus, October 31, 2023
“Swallowed,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction finalist, Crystal Lake Entertainment, November 8, 2023
“Footprints,” The Other Stories podcast, November 20, 2023
“The Behavioral Patterns of the Displaced Siberian Siren,” Dead Letters: Episodes of Epistolary Horror, Crystal Lake Publishing, December 1, 2023
“The Sisters of Our Perpetual Wounds,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, December 1, 2023
“The Green Room,” Shallow Waters Flash Fiction finalist, Crystal Lake Entertainment, December 20, 2023

In the year to come…

Question Not My Salt is my first novel under this name being traditionally published, through small press Crystal Lake extreme horror imprint Torrid Waters. In addition, Strange & Familiar (Meridian 3) under my other name comes out this month, and Avarice & Creed (Meridian 4) is presently set to come out in October.

As far as self-publishing goes, I want to try to do more traditional and small-press indie publishing, if just to have money coming in rather than going out, but I don’t want to phase self-publishing out completely. I’m scheduled to put Crooked House (Thorns 5) out in May and poetry collection A Nightmare for All Seasons in September.

I have some of what I’ve written last year to edit, but I also want to revisit my super-secret UA story and determine how to write the next one or two books. I have two standalone novels I want to strike off my list early in the year so I can have a few more trunk stories ready to turn and shop around (although one might end up self-published).

I’m already set to write the next Meridian novel this month, and now that I’ve decided to merge two novel concepts, I’ll only have one more Meridian novel left to write. That will be for 2024’s NaNoWriMo. I also want to write the next Thorns novel, Hearts and Heads. I anticipate writing some short stories for calls and flash fiction contests, but not as much as last year. If I still have time between writing and editing what I’ve already delineated, I have the option of working on one of three standalones on my list for the 2024 year, but it seems unlikely.

Here’s hoping I find a soft place to land, but I just don’t know. I’m beginning to think most people don’t get that, and I already have enough of other soft places. Maybe asking for more is asking too much.

Resolute (5)

03 Tuesday Jan 2023

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I’ve been having trouble putting together this end-of-year list because of a deep sense of despair and hopelessness for this future, be it this year or five years from now. I recognize this as depression, partially situational and partially bad brain chemistry that I don’t treat with medication, just sort of learn to live with. As a result, I can build momentum without motivation, and I will proceed with plans made, but God, it’s hard to believe in myself.

2022 was the year that I finally gave up the ghost at the job I’ve been paying the bills with for eight years. My last day is next Friday, and even though it was my decision, I can’t help feeling like it’s a kind of failure that I couldn’t make it work. I suppose it’s like a bad marriage in a way. You know it’s best for everyone if you separate, but you invested all of this time that now feels like it yields nothing. And that’s where I’m mentally stuck right now, although I have general plans of pivoting industries and I have the privilege of a financial cushion.

I’ve tried to pivot before, and it didn’t go so well, so I’ve got that failure hanging over me to remind me that this may not work out. I have back-up options if that happens, but it’s still not the best personal encouragement for making such a big change.

Less depressing changes in my personal life include getting to watch my niece grow so much between turning one and turning two. She’s gone from being a baby to a little girl with opinions and personality, and being called Tía is strange and amazing.

I’ve also had a banner writing year because of a slew of poems and short stories sold, which is the kind of encouragement I needed and tells me that I’m doing something right. Between flat rates and royalties, I made over a thousand dollars, which is a milestone I’ve never reached before. Now, because of PUPPETEER professional edits, I spent significantly more, so I still haven’t made an actual profit, but getting paid pro rates on some poems and short stories is incredibly gratifying.

Because of quitting my job and having a block of unpaid months, I’m going to make it a point in 2023 to write and edit more with the aim of selling. I have a handful of longer works that need to be edited for submission, and I’m going to take my ‘sabbatical’ to do that as well as get some sleep (rest and rejuvenation).

This year didn’t produce any self-published novels because I had other deadlines to meet, but here are my stats for writing this year, not including the editing work done on those novels with an aim for self-publishing this year. Considering I never thought I could do short form or poetry well, I’m tremendously proud of my short-form writing accomplishments, if frustrated by how far behind I am on my novella/novel schedule. I also can’t thank Quill & Crow enough for seeing value and beauty in so many of my gothic and horror pieces in 2022.

– wrote at least one flash poem a day, including a 31-part long concept poem for December
– wrote 15 short stories, 1 novelette
– planned to finish a novel by the end of the year and start a new one, but dayjob required a lot of overtime and energy in December, so I’m almost finished but not quite
– published 3 poems and 6 short stories, with more to be announced and published in 2023

Poetry:

“Goddamned,” Crow Calls: Volume 4, Quill & Crow Publishing House, June 12, 2022
“The Chase,” Crow Calls: Volume 4, Quill & Crow Publishing House, June 12, 2022
“An Empyrean Con,” Bloodless, Sliced Up Press, October 28, 2022

Short Stories:

“Resin,” Beyond the Veil, Ghost Orchid Press, February 9, 2022
“A Still and Weathered Stone,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, June 2022 issue
“Tastes of Desperation,” Tales from Brackish Harbor, Quill & Crow Publishing House, August 13, 2022
“Lullaby,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, October 2022 issue
“Wandering Lights,” Halloween Horrors, Black Widow Press, October 13, 2022
“Ragged,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, November 2022 issue

It’s my plan for 2023 to continue submitting new and trunk work to short story and poetry submission calls, but I’m going to focus more on long form this year, including completing some of my contracted novel work and wrapping up stories already slated for self-publication (with editors already paid for editing work on most of them). But anything else as yet unassigned for self-publication, I’m going to either try to submit to good indie presses (novellas and shorter novels) or find representation (longer novels). I may still self-publish for creative control, but I might not be able to afford to do it for a while because I’m saving for an associate’s degree.

Among self-published works coming out this year, I have PUPPETEER (Thorns 4); OUT OF CURIOSITY AND HUNGER (formerly THE VERY HUNGRY), a short creature feature novel; and DEAD ENDS, a collection of morbid and macabre poetry, most previously published on social media (so I can’t sell most of them), but some have never been posted before.

I’m sick to my stomach from blowing up my life with no guarantees, because I’m not a gambler and I much prefer a sure thing, but I’m going to press on anyway, because that’s just what I have to do and have always done. And I’m going to get some rest, because that’s what I need.

Here’s hoping that writing continues to be fruitful and fulfilling and that 2023 ends up better than it feels right now.