“The Warmth of Many Skins”

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My winter gothic tale “The Warmth of Many Skins,” LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD x HUSH, is loose upon the world in the second volume of BLEAK MIDWINTER, SOLSTICE LIGHT, from Quill & Crow. It appears to be doing well in some early reviews. I’m blushing.

Resolute (5)

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Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

I’ve been having trouble putting together this end-of-year list because of a deep sense of despair and hopelessness for this future, be it this year or five years from now. I recognize this as depression, partially situational and partially bad brain chemistry that I don’t treat with medication, just sort of learn to live with. As a result, I can build momentum without motivation, and I will proceed with plans made, but God, it’s hard to believe in myself.

2022 was the year that I finally gave up the ghost at the job I’ve been paying the bills with for eight years. My last day is next Friday, and even though it was my decision, I can’t help feeling like it’s a kind of failure that I couldn’t make it work. I suppose it’s like a bad marriage in a way. You know it’s best for everyone if you separate, but you invested all of this time that now feels like it yields nothing. And that’s where I’m mentally stuck right now, although I have general plans of pivoting industries and I have the privilege of a financial cushion.

I’ve tried to pivot before, and it didn’t go so well, so I’ve got that failure hanging over me to remind me that this may not work out. I have back-up options if that happens, but it’s still not the best personal encouragement for making such a big change.

Less depressing changes in my personal life include getting to watch my niece grow so much between turning one and turning two. She’s gone from being a baby to a little girl with opinions and personality, and being called Tía is strange and amazing.

I’ve also had a banner writing year because of a slew of poems and short stories sold, which is the kind of encouragement I needed and tells me that I’m doing something right. Between flat rates and royalties, I made over a thousand dollars, which is a milestone I’ve never reached before. Now, because of PUPPETEER professional edits, I spent significantly more, so I still haven’t made an actual profit, but getting paid pro rates on some poems and short stories is incredibly gratifying.

Because of quitting my job and having a block of unpaid months, I’m going to make it a point in 2023 to write and edit more with the aim of selling. I have a handful of longer works that need to be edited for submission, and I’m going to take my ‘sabbatical’ to do that as well as get some sleep (rest and rejuvenation).

This year didn’t produce any self-published novels because I had other deadlines to meet, but here are my stats for writing this year, not including the editing work done on those novels with an aim for self-publishing this year. Considering I never thought I could do short form or poetry well, I’m tremendously proud of my short-form writing accomplishments, if frustrated by how far behind I am on my novella/novel schedule. I also can’t thank Quill & Crow enough for seeing value and beauty in so many of my gothic and horror pieces in 2022.

– wrote at least one flash poem a day, including a 31-part long concept poem for December
– wrote 15 short stories, 1 novelette
– planned to finish a novel by the end of the year and start a new one, but dayjob required a lot of overtime and energy in December, so I’m almost finished but not quite
– published 3 poems and 6 short stories, with more to be announced and published in 2023

Poetry:

“Goddamned,” Crow Calls: Volume 4, Quill & Crow Publishing House, June 12, 2022
“The Chase,” Crow Calls: Volume 4, Quill & Crow Publishing House, June 12, 2022
“An Empyrean Con,” Bloodless, Sliced Up Press, October 28, 2022

Short Stories:

“Resin,” Beyond the Veil, Ghost Orchid Press, February 9, 2022
“A Still and Weathered Stone,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, June 2022 issue
“Tastes of Desperation,” Tales from Brackish Harbor, Quill & Crow Publishing House, August 13, 2022
“Lullaby,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, October 2022 issue
“Wandering Lights,” Halloween Horrors, Black Widow Press, October 13, 2022
“Ragged,” The Crow’s Quill, Quill & Crow Publishing House, November 2022 issue

It’s my plan for 2023 to continue submitting new and trunk work to short story and poetry submission calls, but I’m going to focus more on long form this year, including completing some of my contracted novel work and wrapping up stories already slated for self-publication (with editors already paid for editing work on most of them). But anything else as yet unassigned for self-publication, I’m going to either try to submit to good indie presses (novellas and shorter novels) or find representation (longer novels). I may still self-publish for creative control, but I might not be able to afford to do it for a while because I’m saving for an associate’s degree.

Among self-published works coming out this year, I have PUPPETEER (Thorns 4); OUT OF CURIOSITY AND HUNGER (formerly THE VERY HUNGRY), a short creature feature novel; and DEAD ENDS, a collection of morbid and macabre poetry, most previously published on social media (so I can’t sell most of them), but some have never been posted before.

I’m sick to my stomach from blowing up my life with no guarantees, because I’m not a gambler and I much prefer a sure thing, but I’m going to press on anyway, because that’s just what I have to do and have always done. And I’m going to get some rest, because that’s what I need.

Here’s hoping that writing continues to be fruitful and fulfilling and that 2023 ends up better than it feels right now.

the sea is boiling today

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The sea is boiling today
But that’s okay
We can clear the burning black
From the smoldering bay

The sea is boiling today
But that’s okay
Dead fish are swimming
Belly up to play

The sea is boiling today
But that’s okay
The coral’s gone white
The seaweed’s gone gray

The sea is boiling today
But that’s okay
It’ll only last an hour
Or at most a day

The sea is boiling today
But that’s okay
No need to point fingers
We can afford to delay

The sea is boiling today
But that’s okay
Sure it looks bad here
But not as bad as they

The sea is boiling today
But that’s okay
We promise it gets better
No need not to stay

The sea is boiling today
But that’s okay
We’ll keep our thoughts pure
On our knees to pray

The sea is boiling today
But that’s okay
By the time it’s all gone
We’ll all be away

Scarlet Eyes

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Photo by Flora Westbrook on Pexels.com

I made a casual resolution that I’d like to write a Dracula musical, just for my own enjoyment, because I like my collection of them. This lyric has been clattering around in my head for a while.

is this a dream?
or am I awake?
does the lord come
for my soul to take?

the twilight grows damp
my vision goes dim
the sunset downs dark
all I see is him

i try to awaken
but the whispers insist

the scarlet eyes
the scarlet eyes
the scarlet eyes in the mist

cool on my skin
hot to the touch
have i ever known love
to desire this much?

lights in the shadow
salt on my tongue
sin in my heart
yearning unsung

i try to remember
why i should resist

the scarlet eyes
the scarlet eyes
the scarlet eyes in the mist

Resolute (4)

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Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

I concluded 2021 with one of the worst work weeks in a bad year and started 2022 with period cramps—like, right after midnight. It’s a good thing I’m not superstitious, otherwise I’d consider it a bad omen. I think most of us agree that 2021 was the last in a trilogy of terrible years that I hope doesn’t have more in its series, but it’s hard to hold out hope these days. I just try to take it a week at a time. Looking too far ahead leads directly to despair, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

However, in spite of the tint of my pessimism glasses, I do have to admit that even a year that tipped toward the bad side of the scale doesn’t necessary have nothing on the good side.

My niece was born at the end of 2020, so we spent 2021 watching her grow. I’m neither maternal nor particularly nurturing, so there aren’t going to be children from my line, but I love that little girl, and getting to see her in person and in pictures and video was the main highlight of my year.

On the writing side, the highlight was publishing the third book in the Thorns series, BLUEBIRDS, although that series is still under most people’s radar. I keep at it in case it crops up later and because I don’t like unfinished things, plus I like this universe. I did my first editing pass of PUPPETEER (T4), cutting the bloated 219K words down to 183K. I’m on the second editing pass now and shooting for under 170K words, if possible, before sending it out to editors and beta readers.

The rest of the writing side was a bit shaky. I tried to write the DRACULA reimagining scheduled in the spring, but I made it about 75K words before I realized it was Not Working. Instead of finishing it and hoping to clean it up later, I wrote myself so deep into Not Working that I had to just stop. When I try again this year, I’m going into it with an outline and an adjusted style for the video epistolary, so we’ll see whether that works.

With the failure of the reimagining attempt, I was a bit at odds with my writing, so I decided to take on a novella—something shorter that wouldn’t hurt as badly if I had to stop. I finished writing creature feature short novel THE VERY HUNGRY at the end of May. I’d originally conceived of it as a short story, so I decided to see if I could recreate that feeling in my head. I came to the conclusion after several starts and stops that some things that play as a movie in one’s head doesn’t always translate to the page, because movies can show rather than tell in such a unique way not available to written narrative. However, after the fourth try, I managed to write a short version, although it’s too long for most anthology calls. I’ll see what I can do with it in the future.

Trying to write the short story version of THE VERY HUNGRY, however, triggered something that I hadn’t planned on for my year. After years of assuming that I wasn’t a short-form writer, I actually ended up writing for a number of short story anthology calls. I do have more stop-restarts than I do for novels, which is frustrating, but at least you don’t lose as much time when you stop-restart after 6K than 75K words. Not counting a few pieces of flash fiction, I wrote 15 stories of 1-15K words. Some of them were too long for the calls and had to be put to the side for now. Of the ones I submitted, some received personalized rejections (which is a good thing), and one of them was accepted! “Resin,” my queer horror-tragedy short story, will be published Feb 2022 in Ghost Orchid Press’ BEYOND THE VEIL.

In addition to short stories this year, I tried my hand at poetry. I’ve always tagged my song lyrics as ‘not a poet,’ because I always felt pretentious as hell writing poetry before, although I’d done a few pieces over the years. I didn’t feel I deserved to call it poetry, much less call myself a poet. But the gothic/horror prompts from Quill & Crow Publishing House inspired me, so about mid-July, I took the plunge. Ever since, I’ve been posting flash poetry daily on my Twitter feed, and I found my voice in it so that I don’t feel pretentious anymore (most of the time). It’s a lot of fun, just trying to create a feeling or image and play and paint with words on a micro scale, and two were published in Quill & Crow’s Volume 3 of CROW CALLS.

Writing both short stories and poetry was a bit like learning a new language, and for a few months after starting each, my brain lit up from all the new imaginative muscles flexing. They’ve since settled, but it was still quite a creative high.

For NaNoWriMo, I planned to take a break from editing PUPPETEER to write a few long short stories or novelettes. I had a list of about three or four I intended to finish during the month. Little did I know that the first one, HOSTILE TERRITORY, would turn into another short novel. So that happened. It needs some work and will probably be a novella by the time it’s trimmed down, and I still have some things I’m not sure about with it. But at least I don’t need to scrap it like the DRACULA reimagining. Just another story to store in the trunk until I can tackle it again.

On a personal level, I didn’t lose any more weight. In fact, I gained a little during the holidays. However, I did get off of my insulin-resistance and cholesterol medications, and the holidays are almost over, so hopefully I’ll be able to get back down to a more manageable level. I’ve come to accept that I am fat and will always be fat at every size, and nothing short of devastating illness or cosmetic surgery is going to change that, so I have to focus on my health rather than my size to avoid disappointment.

I don’t really have personal goals for the year. Like I said, if I try to look much farther than a week, it’s not the greatest feeling. I’ll stick with writing goals, although even that hasn’t been without its frustrations.

In 2022, I’ll finish editing PUPPETEER (T4) and send it out. I hope to self-publish it by the end of the year, although I feel on shakier ground with it than the other four I’ve written. When that’s done, I’ll probably edit short novel THE VERY HUNGRY to prep for submission, although I don’t know where yet. Then I’d like to tackle WILDWORLD (T5), although there are still elements I’m unsure about, so I might need to do some basic outlining to figure it out. After that, I think I’ll block out some months for short story anthology calls and some of the shorts/novelettes on my list. Then I hope to revisit the DRACULA reimagining with a tight outline and see if that helps. For NaNoWriMo 2022, I’d like to start the sequel to UNDEAD ANONYMOUS, which was NaNo 2020’s project, but although I know how it starts, I still don’t know where it’s going, so we’ll see. There’s always something else to work on. My project list doesn’t really get shorter.

Here’s hoping 2022 has more grains of rice on the good side of the scale.

Rattlin Bones

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I’d been holding onto a few lines of this for ages and only came up with a song to go with it today.

Loosely inspired by Ezekiel 37, the Valley of Dry Bones, should have a lovely, rough folk beat, like Bishop Briggs’ “River.”

RATTLIN BONES (EZEKIEL 37)

Rattlin bones
Rattlin bones
Get up and dance
You rattlin bones
Can bones yet live?
You rattlin bones
Rise up in the name of the Lord

Skeleton fingers
On skeleton hands
Counting the time
For the skeleton band
Skeleton feet
With skeleton toes
Tapping along
To the feast of the crows

Rattlin bones
Rattlin bones
Get up and dance
You rattlin bones
Can bones yet live?
You rattlin bones
Rise up in the name of the Lord

Tendons on bone
Muscle to skin
Build up the bodies
To the flesh that they’re in
The breath of life
A song in the air
To dance in the dust
Of the flesh that they bear

Rattlin bones
Rattlin bones
Get up and dance
You rattlin bones
Can bones yet live?
You rattlin bones
Rise up in the name of the Lord

The graves are all open
The souls are all free
Teeming the valley
For all souls to see
The multitude sings
Stomps thousands of feet
Unsettling the dust
To the living hearts’ beat

Rattlin bones
Rattlin bones
Get up and dance
You rattlin bones
Can bones yet live?
You rattlin bones
Rise up in the name of the Lord